im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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