dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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