My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
