she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
