I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
