drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
