you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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