Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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