he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
