And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
