we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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