so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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