Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
