dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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