did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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