I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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