I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize