I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Randomize
