You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
