I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Your cock deserves a montage
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
