i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
