Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Pooping to opera.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
