i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
