my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
