Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
