aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
