My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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