It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Randomize
