Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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