I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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