Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I don't deserve a penis
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
