I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
