someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a hot homeless man
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
