Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
