I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
