I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
