So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
