well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize