if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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