Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
