I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
