Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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