After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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