Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
