Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
