Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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