you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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