M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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