My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
