Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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