i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize