What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
