Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You pole danced in your parka.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
