Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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