so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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