At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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